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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.